Life's Purpose

Someone asked me what my life's purpose was. It was in the context of trying to unravel and make sense of the complexity that is me and how I react to being here on this little planet of ours. But really, ......."Why am I here???????"

The question was so big and super-charged the surge protector in my head totally shut down my brain. The lab operators in my mind had to scramble to keep things under control, a difficult and thankless task under normal circumstances.

I think she should have backed into the topic with smaller questions, like "What is your favorite color?" or "Where did you go to high school?" But since we'd already spent weeks talking about life, death, grief and happiness, she probably had every right to jump right into the existential pool...feet first, no pussy-footing around easing ourselves into that icy dark water.

Once I was able to reboot my thinking processes, and after fumbling around trying to give her some kind of intelligent answer, I realized that I have a problem with the whole idea of 'purpose'. Is this 'meaning of our life' something we were assigned at birth by the all knowing invisible god figure most of us don't believe in? Is it a function of DNA - a match up of evolutionary development with opportunity? Is it simply being aware of what you're doing and feeling good about it? Is it the final location in the car rally we call life?

In high school, my brother and I read The Chosen and decided that our purpose might be to be two of the few destined to face adversity for the good of mankind, a ridiculous idea for two kids from the suburbs, no matter how dysfunctional our family was. We also toyed with the idea that we were the children of aliens, left here on Earth by our parents by mistake. Our purpose, then, was to try to fit in enough to avoid detection, but to stay close together and maintain enough of our unique identity to be recognized and rescued by our real parents when they returned to get us. Fortunately, they did come, but they only took Tom, leaving me with an even bigger "Why am I here?" and no one to speak to in my native language.

Now, after my years of circular therapy that seems to always take me back to the same unresolved issues, I'm pretty sure that we do not really 'choose' or 'discover' our purpose. Rather, in looking backwards.... we recognize it. Aha! So that's what I've been up to!

If looking backwards is the way to assess purpose, then I guess mine has been to find out what other people need or want, and give it to them. I'm so good at it I can often tell what people need before they even know what it is themselves. My counselees thought I was a genius, but really, when you've been doing it since you were three "it ain't no big deal."

Another purpose I apparently have is to see and hear and feel too much --- all the time, even when I'm asleep. Other people call this "smart" or 'insightful" and I admit, it does make me useful at times. But fundamentally, it also makes a person like Joan d"Arc - probably right but fatally unpopular overall. Being able to see what is going on would be great if you also had the power to do something helpful or effective about what you see.

I think a person can't truly know their purpose while living it. It may look like Jane Goodall was meant to love and protect animals, but I think that St. Peter might look at the big picture of her life someday and conclude "You really didn't like being around people, did you?"