Plan B

I broke my foot tap dancing.  Except for the broken foot part, I think that's pretty cool.  After all, I was TAP DANCING!  Every class is a non-stop marathon of step drills, routines, and stomping the hell out of the floor.  (hence the broken foot).  I love it with a big old capital L.  It's the best workout I've ever done, (the only one I've ever stuck with) and I never want to stop.  

But now it looks like I might have to.  At the very least, the question is on the table.

For my 91 year old mother, there's no debate here.  It's crazy to tempt fate that way.  "You're not a spring chicken", she likes to remind me, which is her nicer way of saying  "What, are you out of your mind?"  But I think the jury is still out, and I'm not throwing in the taps quite yet.  I can't anyway......because I can't use my arm right now.

Ironic and horrible as it is, I coincidentally injured my right arm and have been ordered not to use it at all for awhile.  No typing, texting, lifting, carrying, blogging (uh oh...don't tell).  It's hurts so much I can't sleep....which just gives me another opportunity to hobble around the house and try to figure out what a person does who can't drive, walk, or use their arm.   My art studio sits forlornly by itself.  Emails get largely ignored.  I spend my days being driven to largely fruitless doctor appointments and enduring tests that don't reveal anything.  

It's been tempting to just stay in bed with a blanket over my head.  Or watch hours of reality TV.  Oh, and eat chocolate chips out of the bag.  

But it's also been something else much more important .....a challenge.  A call to arms.  Am I going to collapse in defeat the first time I face a physical limitation, or am I going to fight back?  Will I start shifting my self-perception to accommodate what I may be losing as I get older, or will I reach inside and discover something to take it's place?   To me, this is a chance to hone life skills that are going to get me through the rest of my life.  I have to learn to adjust, to regroup, to find innovative and fulfilling ways to find the spark in life when the ways I'm used to disappear.  

It requires resolve and commitment...a fierce determination to resist defeat.  When you feel bad or in pain, warfare is the last thing on your mind.  You want to curl up into yourself and grieve.  I understand that and I know we all need to do it.

But when that is over, it's time to get up and put on some armor.  Rattle cages, trash old structures and use whatever is left to build something new.  No matter what happens to us, we still are who we are.  Whatever made me want to jump around on stage in tap shoes is still there and always will be.  I don't know what it will look like in it's next incarnation, but I'm eager to see.

Aren't you?